the clear air

Close the Door by Rose Y. Adams
February 23, 2016

The texts came in simultaneously; the same night and then the wee hours of the morning. I was up working on a music playlist. Well, I was trying to but drawing a blank. These men texting me can be considered the great loves of my life or the two of the three who broke my heart. However, my thought: “Dear God, Surely this is evidence that you do have a sense of humor.” His timing blows me away.

The first text came in out 9:24PM. The next one was at 10:38PM and then another at 12:19AM and then 12:20AM. I responded to each. One, my third/first love, sent a photo and caption with one of this daughters at a western-themed party of his estranged wife’s grandmother. I commented, “You sure look happy.” He did. He and his ex-wife have a strange hold on each other. They are in denial. They want to stay together but they also want to play. The next text was a video of the two of them doing a very suggestive dance, second line. It started with him putting down a cup, probably full of Apple Crown. That is his drink. A live brass band was playing in the background. They were getting it. But he really can’t dance, just thinks he can. I’ll never tell him anything different.

The next text was from my second/first love. “Hello friend,” is what it said. I wondered what prompted him to reach out. It, however, was a welcome distraction from the first text. I answered, “Hi XXXXX.” He replied, “Just checking in.” I thought, Oh dear I hope nothing is wrong with him or this family. I answered, “Hope all is well on your end.” He answered,  “Yes, very and you.” I was convinced he was ok and commented on the 1974 playlist I was stuck in trying to create. I asked him for some suggestions. Weeks before, I’d asked him to help me with a Mardi Gras project. He shot me a ghost. From our conversation, I gathered that it was an infringement on his brand. Whatever! However for this, he made a few recommendations. I said, “You know, you can call me sometime. I’ll behave.” He eventually did. The greeting came with no hello, just a very direct and intentional calling of my first and last name. I never understood why some men do that. I giggled like a twelve-year-old school girl. He was doing his best Clark Gable impression. It had been about eight or nine years since I actually heard his voice. Then as well as now, he asked me the same adolescent questions that a twelve-year-old school boy would ask about sex. So, I guess we were on an even keel. We talked about the music of 1974. Then there were statements or questions about what he really wanted to know. Why didn’t I attend his art shows. Was I sticking to my story about what happen between the two of us those years ago? He suggested that my memory had failed me. However, I know to the contrary. I remember it all “Beran Street, the girl he paraded in front me that he said he loved and her white porcelain skin like I loved him.” For me, although I still remember; it is just no longer painful. I could hear, the clinging of ice against a glass I assumed was straight vodka. Well, at least, that was his drink back in the day. I remember that too. From his series of questions and the answers he gave himself, I concluded that he was in bondage. He is still holding onto stuff from the 90s. He needed to be free. Actually both of them do. However, denial or lies won’t do allow that. Only the truth can set you free. I can provide that but neither are interested in receiving. I can’t really blame them. I was once there.

I have always believed that you attract what you are. However, I also think that certain personalities attract certain other personalities. There are remarkable similarities between these two men. They were both born the first week of September. Although, one is much younger, about 45. They both were good at baseball. One was an all American in college and played professionally briefly. They both had alcoholic fathers. Well, at least, that is what they told me. They were born in Louisiana. I love those Louisiana men. Both claim to have money. They rationalize everything. They were ladies men and charismatic. At the time I hooked up with each them, both were walking wounded, nursing bruised egos and feelings because the women that they actually loved got with other men. The players got played, resulting to both them having even deeper love, admiration, and the utmost respect for their player wife/girlfriend, probably to this day. Go figure!  There I was, foolish, foolish me, offering encouraging words, a listening ear, help in anyway possible with their interests and patiently waiting for my day to come. It never, ever did. I never got what I wanted from either of them and that is what makes a fool. I walked away from the first, only having to return briefly with some bad news. With the other, I walked away too, but not before inflicting some choice words. That pain, well, he was going to feel that. The first one took years to overcome. The second one took less time, about a year, and I returned to his welcoming arms as a great friend. But now he is becoming a bore. I really wish he would meet a real woman. I tried to introduce him to someone. Well, other one is still very crude, controlling, and disrespectful, even at his age.  I asked a friend, “What is this?” She said, “It is your test.” I answered, “Really!!!!” I want to pass it. God is opening doors for me. However, I believe there are few doors from my past that I need to close first. I am trying very hard.

I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name. -Revelations 3:8.