the clear air

Dear Friend,

I came across a book in HEB today called, “Extraordinary Women Share Wisdom They Wish They’d Had When They Were Younger, What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self.” It is a collection of essays written by prominent women as letters to themselves. In essence they were giving their younger selves advice based on what they know, based on life experience. Very clever. So I guess, if I hope to publish these writings to you in a book someday, I will have to write quite a few. So, here is the latest.

It is funny how the more things change the more the stay the same. How the way something starts is the way it ends or the way it just is no matter how you try to change it. And you know that is how it started, how it ever was and how it ended as far as a personal relationship goes. I guess that is what you mean when you say, “What will be will be” or “It is what it is” huh? I didn’t quite understand that, but now I get it. Well, I think so.

My world stops and my life is placed on hold for the people I love: mainly my family. I have left relationships or been left, left a job I loved, took a job I hated, even abandoned an entire city because I felt I was needed and because I loved. It is just in my DNA. And up to now I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sometimes, I think that not only it is love but a need to be in control. But, even in that observation, I wonder is that what my life is to be: a means for someone else life, aspirations, career, madness? I am so use to it that it almost embarrasses me when someone wants to do something just for me. I am just not use to it.

I have a cousin. It is a tradition for us to get together on Christmas Eve and do some last minute Christmas shopping. We shop and then we go to lunch and shop some more. This year at lunch her conversation took a different tone. I really believe God was speaking to me though her. She first talked about her life choices. It is something we all know but don’t necessarily acknowledge. She talked about how she struggled with it. She said a guy walked up to her and said. It is OK. God has his angels watching over you to protect you. Live your life.Then she looks at me and says, “LIVE YOUR LIFE.”

I believe that God was telling me, through her, “You are free to finally live your life. Let Me be who I am God and you are not. Stop trying to be Me. I will take care of your loved ones. They are mine just as you are. I created you for my purpose. Live the life that I have planned for you.”

So here is a letter to my younger self and something I’d wished I known long ago:

Dearest Me,

You are now twenty-eight. You think that you have yet again missed an opportunity to be in relationship with a man you love. The pain you feel now God will use it to bring you closer to him. He will comfort you and then you will know He is real. You will have so many life experiences to share that will help others. Don’t put your trust in other people just God and it will be through learning to trust him, you will trust others. Never put a person in a place that should be reserved for God.

Yes and when you have given up on loving someone, God will send someone to show you that you are capable of loving again. It will be totally unexpected and you will not be able to control it as you try to control most things. He will listen to you and care for you. He may even think you are a little crazy. He may not even feel or be free to love you in the same way. Nonetheless, receive it for what it is and never ever apologize for the way you feel because it will help free you. You will help him too in the way he needs most and that is the way it should be.

love always finally,

Me at 46